I died on my own game

I told my superior self about it. 

She asked me: Now that it is done, what can you do?

Well, I can do shit. Nothing. I'll move on, like I aways do with things that isn't supposed to be mine.

I'll do exactly what I was going to do before meeting him: live my life on the other side. 

Then she asked me: So... how do you feel after all?

I can say that, right now, it's killing me. 

Deep down I wanted to feel this way again: fool, in love, stupid. He gave me that, but I forgot about the rough part.

I'm rough. Why did I let myself to fall this hard? How can a grown woman like me let that happen? 

Even though, when I was there, in his arms, I felt every good thing that I've missed much. 

I felt like me. The real me. No barriers, no rules,  no pretending that I don't feel the things that I feel.

Only desire, pure fire, passion, pleasure, sweat, connection... 

And I can swear that I felt his soul when we stared at each other in the dark for a moment. Thousands of words that couldn't come out. 

I felt like there were only us both in the whole world.

He was very affectionate with me. Between one time and the next one, he looked at me with those kaleidoscope eyes. However, I was the one recording every moment. 

He looked at me in the eyes, fuck! I could see how many feelings was involved for both of us. 

But I didn't say what I felt when we were on the bed. Just told him to do not settle, to only live according to what he liked and believed most, not because of life's obligations.

He cherished me, my hair, and kissed me like I was some precious creature. 

It was amazing, I dont regret a second. But at the same time I feel sad.  Sad 'cause I'll probably never have this again. 

Damn! 

I wish I could be two of me to stay a little longer, to live that again and again, until things change - for me, things will aways change anyways... And we know very well that passion doesn't last. Passion is not love.

Even though, according to himself, his chest was tight with the idea of me leaving the country. 

 He's a trouble minded guy. Big heart, hard life. We actually match more than I expected, but we were late in time. That's the fucking problem. 

 I wish the sex was bad. I wish he was different, just a standard guy. Well, he wasn't.  He isn't. 

We met at the right time, but we let ourselves want each other late. Few years later to be more accurate. 

Thats It.

Timing is a bitch.

I lost.

Myself, him, loyalty to my precious exception, sense and almost lost my way back home too.

I tried to look detached when we had our goodbye kiss, but I've burned inside when he walked through the door.

I died on my own game.

15.05.2019