September 12

Can't describe how broken I feel at this point.

I know better how to communicate by writing, so Odin bless you 'cause this ain't gonna be short.
Nothing about me could ever be simple and uncomplicated., I mean, c'mon, I don't even want it less complex, as the depth of everything I am and I feel is everything but shallow. You once said you admired me for that.
Babe, I am fire. I'm intense, I'm a diver afterall. And I like to go deep into people's souls. I want the whole fucking thing.
I told you once I wouldn't be able to have you by the half, I wanted the whole you, your heart, I wanted to know your fears, what makes you happy, what is worthy of your attention, and so on.
I recognise how important It was going to the other side of the world, so that I could experience pain in its most intimate face and I have confirmed how badass I really am to endure everything I've been through without actually falling apart, with your help and presence as well, even so far away...
Until now. Now I am falling the hell apart.
But that was a problem for what we've started. It was a slow sentence to our so secret love, the same thing we've nourished every single day for a long time, even before we were free to do so...
I fell in love with you in the very beginning, but it took me some time to admit it to myself, as I was in a whole different situation, I already loved someone else back then, I already knew I was coming to the other side. You had her too, a different plan, you were getting married, your whole life getting together...
Fuck! Everything was so entangled I couldn't even allow myself to make space for what I was feeling without feeling guilty...
You and me was always like a dreammy idea, something that couldn't be real. I could only dream of you, of us. And yeah, I dreamed a lot.
I thought of you in every single hour of my days for too long... When I was eating, taking a shower, reading a book, watching a movie. Even before I see you.
And after I saw you it got even stronger.
Dude, I lost weight, like a stupid teenager in love...
I saw you, I felt you, I wanted your energy closer for more time.
I felt stability and trust with you, I felt like that was the man I wanted to love and could never have.
You caught me by surprise when you got single.
You broke both of my legs.
I had some comfort knowing that you were already settled up with someone and I had already accepted it.
But life has its own way to show what is the real deal.
When you said you loved me, my heart was just so warm that I couldn't speak properly. It was real, for me and for you.
It took me a long time to get back home.
And you waited patiently...
Then I was finally free to have you again, to know what we could finally be...
However, we both know life does not care about anything. And it can be quite frustrating to deal with our plans being blown away by reality.

I was two weeks away from seeing you again...
We're late in time.
That's It.
As you said, my timing sucks.
Life is a bitch and now I lost you.
I tried to look detached on that goodbye kiss, but I've burned inside when you walked through the door. I didn't know that was the last time I'd see you.
Now they took your heart away from me. This huge and beautiful heart of yours.
They took your unique presence from all of us.
And now there's a hole instead.
That's what I feel right know, empty. With a hole in my chest.
I'm fucked up in a world where you no longer exist physically.
But this love, our love, it remains. Wherever I go, I'm taking our memories, your laugh and the look in your eyes when you smiled at me me.
Thanks for being a giant, a warrior til the end! For sacrificing your own life for the greater good.
But honestly... to the hell with the greater good!
They have never deserved your blood, your life.

I'm not even gonna say anything about mfkrs getting your face tattooed, without even knowing your birth date... 

But there is also a lot of people who loved you and they respect you for who you were and represented. They miss you a lot too. 

Honestly, all I can think is about your face  seeing people's reactions to your absence. 

It's kinda funny because we've actually talked a lot about this moment without knowing it would happen so early... 

Afterall, I can only hope you get your welcome at Valhalla's greater halls.
I hope Odin takes care of you as a great warrior you were (he'd better do, as he doesn't want to see me furious...).
See you.
Lots of love.
Maldita.